Triad Relationships: Identity, Attachments, Conflict and… Love?
After the first entry, people had come forward and shared their own or other examples of Triad relationships and a floodgate of realisation opened up as to how complex the dynamics can be.
Since then I’ve also read a number of articles online by people sharing their experiences in their Triad relationships, but mostly I found myself a little dissatisfied because their Triad configurations are mostly non-exclusive or consensually non-monogamous (CNM) which rarely reflect or approximate my own experience while also answering the new breed of questions that have emerged.
This is not to say that there is anything wrong with those articles or configurations, they’re just different. They do grant legitimate and useful perspective, but they have also prompted me to write down the kind of reflections and personal insights that I wished to see.
Have you told your family and friends?
I’ve studied disclosure at length and what I can tell you is that, fundamentally, Disclosure has degrees. I’ve mentioned to my immediate family during casual conversation that I was in a Triad fairly early on in the relationship. There are several reasons why; primarily I practice transparency. If I have news about my life that I believe is significant then I’ll radically try not to misrepresent myself. Secondly, I emancipated from the attachments of familial approval a long time ago, so even if anyone in the family didn’t approve, then it wouldn’t significantly affect me in a negative way.
I realised while premeditating this post though that in my immediate family alone, conventional relationships or the nuclear social units of coupledom approaching ‘normative’ are actually the minority. I realise more people will have closer connections and other attachment dynamics to their families which can make these kinds of conversations and acceptance more difficult however.
Now here’s where it gets interesting; I believe that telling family and friends has a different significance for Thirds than it doesn’t for the longer-term couple. There are a couple of variables I posit are related to this, Age being a significant one it might be hard for younger people to open-up to their Parents about unconventional relationships.
However presently, I argue that couples who have been together for a significantly long time pre-dating their expansion into a Triad, have greater social expectations put on them, and therefore might be more sensitive to stigma from family and friends.
Basically, disclosure of a non-average relationship is going to be met with non-average responses, particularly if the receiver of the disclosure has little foreknowledge concerning diverse relationships dynamics. Remember, nothing about non-dyadic relationships is intuitive for most. But there are plenty of other variables such as age, religiosity and political stance to name a very few that will affect the likelihood of disclosing to the family or friends. Remember back to the first post when I said that people regularly asked me if the development of the Triad was to remedy my suitors dyadic relationship issues? Rarely is the third or previously singular person asked what their motivation is for entering a triad relationship.
In my own example, my suitors have not told their families about me. Here’s why I’m OK with that; If the lack of disclosure is not dominating every social circle or interaction with you and your significant others (such is my case) then I don’t see any immediate issues. I mentioned previously how I put less value into following normative or ‘Relationship Escalators’, one of the steps of that escalator commonly being “Introducing to the Parents”.
It might help to assess how much the non-disclosure interferes with your relationship. What does it mean to you to not have your partner’s family aware of you? How much of your partner’s family ties do you really need in your own life, whether they are close or not?
If you are at risk of internalising the possibility of being considered a pervasive ‘secret’, then this could become an issue. However If do not you feel that your ability to fully express yourself or be authentic is inhibited by them not telling their families or friends about you, then things might be fine for a time being. Conversely if you do feel that your partners not telling people begins to effect or inhibit them, then this also could become an issue.
However In my case, this is not the issue. If it were becoming an issue or source of distress I would push further.
My suitors and I are neither particularly close nor dependent on our families. Now, some of the circumstances of closeness may be mitigated by situations where parents live in a different country. Thus contact modality and frequency might be different, however having different cultural norms and expectations can usually play a role in non-disclosure. Even still, you have to ask yourself, despite the distance, why is there still a concealment? Talk with your significant other and ask them directly. How likely is this level of disclosure or concealment going to affect the dynamics between you and your partners in future? Remember that sometimes a non-disclosure may serve to protect them, the original couple and you the third. Having support from friends and family helps but fundamentally, you’re an adult! You’re the arbiters of your relationships, not your parents. In a peculiar way, being in a Triad can feel like its own family or tribe.
Do you ever feel like you are of Secondary Importance?
This question I find might relate to disclosure depending on the circumstances. My quick and short answer is No, I’ve never felt I’ve been in ‘second place’ to any partner. It hadn’t occurred to me that this could be an issue until I had read this article on Perceptions of primary and secondary relationships in polyamory.
As the Third, you unfortunately (and sometimes unintentionally) might be considered secondary to the pre-existing relationship. Thus the regular disclosure or acceptance (that a long standing significant other receives) is less likely to be afforded for what is termed as “secondary relationships”. This concealment may cause people to question their position of primacy. Note, I wrote less likely and not never!
Keep in mind, this article I just linked to uses the distinctions of Primary and Secondary. In an overly idealistic world, the triad relationship for all parties concerned could be seen as the primary relationship. There’s actually a useful term I found in the Poly Glossary website for this situation, referring to Co-Primary: “A person who is one of two or more primary partners in a polyamorous relationship”. E.g. Jean and Scott are my co-primaries. There’s also a fuller definition for Primary/Secondary which I recommend checking out by clicking here.
Realistically though this may not be the case as we all have our fallibilities of adapting from previously ingrained lifestyles and resources (whether consciously or not). And as I mentioned previously coming into a triad will have inherent inequalities, alas this it does not mean all people concerned cannot act toward an approximation of Primacy.
However if you’re not the Third, then you could be in a position where you have two partners — e.g. one for 10 years and another for 10 months — then it is far from impossible that one could perceive a respective primary and secondary status for each suitor. Even the terminology we use has hierarchies Inherent in the numerical connotations of ‘third’. I’ve even been called “Boyfriend number two” by one of my partners and it made total sense with perspective and personal history, it wasn’t an insult, it wasn’t a defeat and it’s not an award ceremony.
Furthermore there may be a degree of interdependence between the two people who have been together the longest (such as having children, pets, finance or shared accommodation or owning property) which you most likely wouldn’t have in any immediate sense with the newer suitor. Being the person with the secondary status is not a bad thing. However keep in mind it’s also not a license to treat your involvement in the relationship any less than you would if it were a dyadic orientation, especially if the relationship is exclusive compared to the more common CNM or Poly configurations.
But the takeaway message is that disclosure has gradients. Not everyone needs to know all of your business all the time. So you have to assess what level of concealment, disclosure and further acceptance is optimal for maintaining a healthy balance. Much like coming out, it may be significant in some social circles (Family, Friends) or totally irrelevant in other social circles (such as at work) whatever you configuration may be. Ask yourself how important it is to be known and integrated into your partner’s wider circle… distinguish whether this is a need or a want for you and keep in mind that this level of importance can change over the duration of relationships.
Attachment Style
Related to the above secondary status, I am still regularly asked whether I get jealous (either about living by myself or that my two partner’s travel to one of their family homes without me etc.).
I think there are many reasons why I adamantly don’t feel jealous of these aspects, mostly with a sense of being relaxed with my own interdependence and being replied upon emotionally. But it occurred recently to re-think of my Adult Attachment Style. Over the years I’ve retested my Adult Attachment Style, the results consistently indicate a dominance in Secure Attachment Style, you can read about this style and others here.
I’m not suggesting that my Secure Attachment style is the cause of my not feeling jealous, but I cannot rule out that there is potentially some correlation. I’ve noticed that the language used in the test is generally different that the descriptions and traits usually found in reports of each style, so it’s hard to say which is more telling.
Also, in my own opinion there is no style that is “better” than others. I think all categorized styles and associated behaviours found in people have their pros and cons; for example in my brief opinion I consider a downside to having a Secure Attachment Style is that sometimes an ease and decreased worry can be perceived as inattentive to something your partner is concerned about or find important. Or possibly, more susceptible to overlooking your partner’s significant non-verbal cues. Lastly a Secure style’s can be undaunted by the infrequent absence of their partner (thus in my case, them being away from me while they do their own thing isn’t something I worry about personally). By contrast, sometimes a little balanced vigilance (more commonly associated with Avoidant and Anxious styles) can make you more attentive to your partner.
Actual research in Attachment styles and non-dyadic relationships is very new so it’s difficult to forecast for predictable outcomes. For example, willingness and attitude toward engaging in non-dyadic relationships differs between gender and sexual orientation also and you will find conflicting results in other studies.
Keep in mind, the above articles I linked are examples of the kind of literature that I feel do not reference the nuances in ‘exclusive multiple partnered’ relationships like my own, but they are the closest empirical sources that I can find with my current resources. Again, it is why I’m endeavouring to write these entries.
It’s not to say that you can prescribe your relationship, that’s too clinical. The point I’m trying to make here is if you’re thinking about entering a Poly or Triad configuration, or any relationship for that matter, then testing your Adult Attachment Style may help to know how you can gauge your needs, want’s and expectations and those of your partners. Alas, one person may not be one complete style, but may have a dominant style with variant degrees of other styles.
Does it ever get uncomfortable or awkward?
I think my favourite development of being the Third in a Triad is my relaxation of the early habits I found myself in. Early on I use to make sure I was splitting my attention, both the physical present attention and my private cognitive attention onto both my suitors. But I realised over the last few months that at any random time you just find yourself thinking about one person more than the other; actually even within the space of a day my thoughts may automatically gravitate to one of the suitors, and then flip to another. Sometimes the feeling of wanting to just look at both at the same time could be overwhelming, yet one might be here and the other is away or in another room.
I don’t worry about this anymore because at least I take it as proof to myself that I can daydream about them both without the need to neurotically balance or quantify. Still I do catch myself thinking “Oh, I’ve held one’s arm a bit longer…” but then I’ll relax and just let our contact be more natural and not obligatory.
Over the last few months I’m surprised that I often have to remind myself that being in a Triad is not the norm. I mean it functions much the same as other dyadic relationships I’ve been in for the most part. Things just come to seem more normal, not in a habitual sense but more gradually becoming even less concerned about stigma and the perception of others the more it goes on. I forget that our configuration isn’t common. That being said, we tend not to be affected much by the Stigma that other Poly or CNM people face. Or at least it hasn’t been obvious to us where we have stood out in public as three people in a relationship. If I were to bet, then most likely we have been perceived as a group of friends… or in a more humorous concrete example we were once asked; “Are you all related?”
Is being in a Triad part of your identity now?
This was asked because I have a tendency to discuss my relationship ad nauseam with this friend more frequently than others. When asked, a few things occurred to me; much like in the spirit of disclosure above, I tend to select who I talk with about being in a Triad. It’s not that it’s a secret but I’ll more quickly talk with “LGBT” friends, firstly because the concept of non-dyadic relationships is less unheard of with this population and secondly, this population tends to ask more questions about it.
It never occurred to me to consider being in a Triad as an identifier, (I’ll be honest, I don’t really know what an Identifier is supposed to be exactly), though I do consider it to be an indisputable fact about me. This did get my thinking of how some folk use the words ‘Husband, Wife, Father, Mother’ etc. in their twitter bios in much the same way you would a job title. That being said, I did find this study in which people who are Poly do consider this to be an aspect of their identity. It only occurred to me afterwards that I have actually seen bloggers use Poly and other sexual orientations in their self-descriptions.
What about Conflicts and their resolution?
I take the basic approach to this in much the same way I would attempt to resolve a conflict at work for instance; if an argument of some sort arose between a colleague and I, I would endeavour to solve the issue between us two as adults without the need to take it to the manager or other third party authority. Likewise within a Triad, it’s been the practice until now that if a conflict arises between any two of us we’ve generally agreed to resolve it between ourselves first. That being said there are times when it’s necessary to let the other know. Being on one side of it, there have been times two of us has felt the need to tell the other. This makes sense especially if you’re the one of the co-dependents; your living partner will probably pick up on cues on something so it might best to air it out with them for their peace of mind. Alternatively, while I can’t be certain of it, I presume that my suitors have had arguments or disagreements that I have not been privy to because it had started and ended with them… and that’s fine! Everyone’s approach to conflicts are going to differ within the group, be it from conflict direct to conflict averse, so being able to negotiate what’s best for you, best for them and best for all is going to be best figured out early on.
Can you really love two people though?
If you’re a parent, can you love your multiple children? Can you love your parents? Can you have a crush on two different people at the same time? Yes, it is easy to say that this is not the same kind of love. I don’t necessarily disagree… for all the obvious reasons. I guess the most obvious being just how do you define love? But that’s beyond the scope of this post.
At first I was very sceptical too, in the beginning I wasn’t sure if could feel what I consider an appropriate kind of love for two people, but I was open-minded. I waited to see how both I and we would develop. For me my immediate concern was how should I say it and express it if I felt it? Do I say it to them together? I do I tell them individually? Finally I settled on a moment and way that would be unique for both.
Prior to this though, I sat in my head for a while and negotiated what I was experiencing; I decided I would only convey it when I experienced it toward both. And even still I waited for a while afterward I was sure, because people tend get caught up in Moments when it’s too easy, effortless, automatic and mindless to say I love you. And I didn’t want it to be those type of moments for myself.
I won’t debate how true or false this quote could be, but comparing it to my own experiences about what’s called ‘love’ it seems congruent… even at times when I don’t want it to be. I get a lot of negative criticism for gauging loving as a cognitive effort (for not seeing an ‘is’ or a feeling, but as a ‘doing’) with less emphasis on the traditionally romantic. However the ‘Heart’ always seemed to me like a tenuous metaphor for something people didn’t really put a lot of effort into defining or understanding. So if you’re in a Triad, you might experience your criteria of love to one before the other, again this is okay if you can see all the other ‘green flags’ of that affection along the way.
A friend had asked what if I had only heard it back from one but not the other, or neither. Well, before I said it out loud I thought a lot about how to be okay within myself either way; I took the risk because it was how I felt at the time. Fully confident that yes I could be affected not have it fully reciprocated but I wouldn’t become destabilized or defeated. Additionally we were in a good enough place ourselves that I couldn’t be mistaken that there wasn’t a doing kind of love being practiced back toward me. So it was a secure situation with most outcomes I could imagine at the time.
Are you looking at your Triad relationship too clinically?
This was a fair point when asked. I do tend to dissect and analyse things but I doubted a post full of the more silly things we do together would be an interesting read, if not overly mushy and banal. To put it another way, there are more similarities between Triad and Dyadic relationships in day-to-day life than there are differences. So writing about those run-of-the-mill functionalities wouldn’t be all that new or insightful for those curious.
I may write about it dryly here, but the three of us function like any other relationship I’ve been in., as oddly as that might read. There is everything between actions and words that are loaded with warmth and all the other automatic feel-good reinforcements that come with coupledom. At this stage we have our own private jokes, the ever gradual unsheathing and acceptance of our respective eccentrics, feeling and giving support when you’re down, encouragement when you’re up. Indulging in our shared geeky interests and learning their own individual interests. The things I’m fond of noticing when you’re with a suitor are the small unspoken (and sometimes automatic) acts that fill you with good vibes.
But even going beyond words and conscious thought, it helps to keep in mind for Triads that each person will have their own unique body language, the automatic tell marks we usually learn to read or pick up on as we grow up. Each suitor will have different way how they express their effort, their care and their actions. The more you get to know both you’ll learn their meta-communications. You might respond more readily to one type of body language, but being sensitive to another helps to be aware how you feel toward both. Inversely, you’ll learn what kind of attention, effort and intimacy either suitor is responsive to. Kind of like all your lovers will have a different way of kissing which makes it ‘their’ kiss, you grow to savour what is unique between the two of them.
